Dear Baby

Yesterday was full of wonder. I felt like I was being reborn in each moment.

It was just a moment ago when the second pink line appeared on that test. Just a moment ago when fear, panic, uncertainty, joy, love and excitement became real emotions.

7

It's been 7 weeks since I found out you chose me to be your Mom.
7 long weeks filled with emotions higher than the sky
7 long weeks filled with non stop vomiting
7 long weeks filled with sleepless nights and tiresome days

Worry

Yesterday you were 12 weeks and 3 days old. I was so excited but absolutely terrified to see you. The last few days especially, were very trying. I hadn't slept properly for weeks. My mind was working overtime.

10:15am

We had a date for 10:15am. Time stood still but the hands on the clock moved quickly. I waited like a young school boy waits outside his childhood sweethearts house, my palms were sweating, I was as red in the face as child struggling to breathe through the tears. I wanted to undress my warm autumn clothes and let the cool white emptiness of the office walls envelop me instead. I was scared. I was scared to endure what I had so many years ago, when I watched your sibling, bouncing in my womb, lifeless.

But then you popped up on the massive 52" screen in front of me. All of your little body. Head, arms, legs and your little heart beat. From that moment, my heart beats only for you. I wanted to vomit from overwhelming relief. You were sleeping, you were so curled up and you didn't move much, you kept your little hands covering your face, until the doctor started tapping my tummy to make you move. You only moved a little, but quick enough for him to get a picture. He showed me every inch of you and he checked your neck. I held my breath for a long time. He was happy. I relaxed.

The doctor kept asking me if I was okay. I had no words.

Only after the ultrasound and we were sitting back in his office, did it really hit me and I started crying. Looking at the pictures of you, this little little baby of mine, I was changed forever. You can end a war with this kind of love.

He told me that everything was good and that I could go ahead and let all the world know that you were coming. That you were mine, and so, I revealed you to the world yesterday.

Forever I will dwell in the magic of that moment.

[Cartoon] - Ramble

Greetings from the toilet bowl today!

So far, it's been a relatively good week in the MS department, but just because it'st Friday and I want sit and relax and do endless amounts of Sudoku and crossword puzzles in this fantastically overcast and cuddle weather.... Mother nature has other plans for me.

We're 12 weeks now, (can you flippen believe it. Time has flown by, tomorrow I wipe my eyes out and there will be a little human that needs me more than anything. SCARY) Everyone keeps saying that it should be letting up around about now. Mine only seems to be getting worse. I cant help but picture myself in 4 months time still hovering over the toilet bowl like a drone.

Right now I am feeling very very drained. Literally. This has been a very tiring few weeks.

Monday morning is my appointment with the Gynae. I'm feeling very nervous. Hopefully from next week I will be able to relax a little more and allow myself to enjoy this experience instead of being a constant worry wart. I have a few questions that I want to ask him. I should write them down though. The probability that I wont remember any of them is quite high if I don't.

I just received an SMS reminder for the appointment, Shit's getting real.

I need this weekend! A lot

Dreams

There is such a plethora of pregnancy information on the internet, it's very easy to overload the brain with unnecessary information and freak yourself out. I do this to myself quite easily.

So when I started having the most bizarre dreams, of course, my first stop was indeed Google.

I couldn't really find anything substantial to back up this weird symptom other than, blaming it on hormones. The poor buggers get blamed for everything.

I've had many dreams over the last 6 weeks. Some of them I remember, some of them I don't, some of them I do remember but then I promptly forget. Not willingly of course.

One of the recent ones was a trip to the Gynae, considering I have a pending appointment, this dream doesn't surprise me. What does surprise me are the most insane things that happened.

When I arrived for my appointment, I was left sitting up straight while I viewed the image of my baby head on. It was a boy. He was staring at me and he was struggling to breathe.

When we were done the doctor gave me a piece of paper from an exam pad with all his notes on it and sent me to the reception area to pay. A one thousand six hundred rand appointment had all of a sudden become six thousand rand. What the hell? After a massive fight with the two girls in reception, the one said "well you didn't have the massage and the pedicure so we will deduct two hundred and fifty rand"

What the ????

In the latest addition of "Michelles pregnancy nightmares" - I went to the loo and when I got there, there were 4  kit kat fingers placed neatly on the toilet seat...

Very odd, but I moved them out the way, and when I was done with my hourly pregnancy piddle, I flushed the chain and the toilet started vomiting chocolate all over the place.

I have been off chocolate during this trimester. I'm guessing this is why I would dream of chocolate vomiting toilets. Very sad for me. Very happy for my bum. This dream didn't help my slowly increasing distaste for this sweet treat.

I hadnt mentioned this to my mother and over the Easter weekend, she may or may not have shoved a Lindt chocolate bunny in my face, saying "here, eat this" - cue instant gag. #lols #lovemymother

I've been wondering if I should keep a Dream Diary for this particular time of my life, so when the chips are down, I can always go back and have a good laugh at myself.

It's probably just an excuse though to buy another notebook. You all know about my not so secret love affair with stationery.

Nesting (The digital version)

Ola! Notice anything different around here?

I've been playing around with a few things, and "digitally nesting" if you know what I mean. Trying to make this new place feel more like home and all that stuff.

Blogger has been working on my last nerve since I decided to start this baby blogging journey and then I realised that I needed to update my browser in order for Blogger to work effectively. It reminds me a lot like my staff. I have to bribe them to come to work with money and then have to add incentives for them to actually do their jobs.

So update the browser I did and now it seems I am able to upload pictures and stuff.

Expect to see things that cannot be unseen.

This is all still a work in progress so bear with me while we get this stuff sorted.

(Stuff is my new go to word in place of swearing. I'd hate to be the mother you hear shouting profanities in mid morning traffic with a baby in the backseat) 

Where are we now?

Note: It has taken me almost a week to pen this post and the baby is still 6 months from arriving. Needless to say, this, in my mind, is already setting a precedence for how things will ultimately be. My blog posts may be like my morning sickness, a lucky surprise and you never know when it might come.


We're currently at 10 now 11 weeks. 12 more sleeps and then we will be heading for our first visit to the new OBGYN.




I have decided We have collectively decided that this baby will be born at Kloof Mediclinic, so I will now be seeing one of the gynaes operating from there.
Initially it was such a struggle to find a doctor there because almost all of them, bar this one, only take existing clients. They clearly make more than enough money to be able to afford to practice like that. I'm in the wrong industry. I should have thought of gynaecology from a money perspective instead the "touching other women's vajayjays perspective."


But be that as it may, we are making headway. Up until now, I have been in a bit of a dazed and confused state, so hopefully the fog around the brain will begin to lift and I can start making some serious plans. To be fair my baby brain seems to have gotten a little better. One day I typed in my cellphone number at Spar instead of my cheque card pin at the teller. I haven't done that again. I have left my car unlocked on numerous occasions. I've double booked doctors appointments. I've walked into the work bathroom with a tea cup and I've sat at green lights.




I'm still suffering from all day morning sickness, as noted above. Most days my prayers sound something like this:


"Oh Dear God, please help me. I pray for a supernatural miracle that this 20kph traffic will speed up so that I don't have either a) puke in the car or b) puke on the side of  the road in very congested traffic" 


This week the MS seems to be taunting me between 12 and 4, sometimes even longer. Last night I may or may not have been hanging over the toilet bowl crying while I managed to dry heave and squeeze out the most bitter tasting bile that makes you shudder uncontrollably. It is not pretty.


I have, between the last post and this post, moved to Centurion. This makes me now 8.9kms from work which is a massive weight off my shoulders. My petrol gauge hasn't moved in 4 days and I can leave for work at 7:30am as opposed to 6:30am. I also get home at 5:20pm as opposed to 6pm. This helps my mood greatly.




My food aversions don't seem to be getting worse. I'm still struggling with the chicken thing and the Chinese smell in the air seems to have disappeared too. Some days the smell of fruit is enough to send me running, other days not. My sense of smell is definitely about as crazy as my ex mother in law.


Since I have moved to Centurion, I have questioned whether or not I am capable of this motherhood thing. Somewhere in the neighbourhood (right outside my bedroom window I'm sure) is a day care. There is a lot of screaming and singing and badly played piano and trumpets at times. If I have to hear so and so sitting in a tree K I S S I N G, one more time, I might lose it. Because kissing most certainly leads to blogs like this and besides, you kids are far too young to be worrying about kissing in any case.


Also I would like to state in writing, right here and right now, that this precious baby will be my ONLY child. I made this decision about 3 minutes ago when I heard the neighbours 6 year old daughter scream at the top of her lungs and in her brattiest older sister voice to her 3 year old brother "you better find it otherwise you are not playing with me" - you can hold me to this statement.

What I Know About Pregnancy

Before I even get started, and without sabotaging my own post and giving you the dreaded spoiler alert. But the answer is... Nothing. I know absolutely nothing.


I can however give you a run down of what it's been like for me so far.


1.  The ever so boring adage of pregnancy is different for everyone is true.

I am EX-HAUS-TED. Exhausted. If you give me half a second I will fall asleep. I have fallen asleep at my desk on more than one occasion. My boss even sent me home one day because I was finished. I was completely unable to function whatsoever. I've had numerous people tell me, "oh I didn't have morning sickness once" I say "oh shut up"


2.  To be very honest, for the most part, I have hardly been present during the first few weeks of this pregnancy. Probably due to many reasons, but mostly because I am completely paranoid, due to past experience. I wonder about every ache and pain.


I need to become more focused and present, I always said I only ever wanted one child. If this is going to be my one and only pregnancy, I want to enjoy it. I want to be excited. I probably will only be really excited in the second trimester though, if I must be honest.


3. You will be emotional and sometimes just plain crazy. I am emotional about a lot of things. I cry over random things. Like pregnancy insomnia. I also cry watching YouTube videos and I cry reading other peoples blogs.


4.  You will get chubby. I have gotten chubby. My butt has grown considerably in a short space of time. I think it's the bread. I do have a small belly already. Yesterday I had a conversation with a colleague and while we were all joking around I asked "is this a chubby belly, or is it a pregnant belly?" she promptly replied, it's very much a pregnant belly. (I was wondering if I would be able to hide it from my MD. I have yet to tell him)


5.  You will feel like you need to have a glorious poop... All.The.Time.


6.  You will have a variety of symptoms. Some days, one symptom a day, other days all the pregnancy symptoms of all the lands will be upon you. I want to talk about a few of them.


6.1  Sore boobs: - Your boobs wont always hurt. Not every day. Some days are worse than others, but tomorrow it is very highly likely that your boobs will not be sore in any way, questioning the very existence of said pregnancy.


6.2  Morning Sickness:-  this one is a real doozy. Whoever coined it Morning sickness, clearly had NO clue. I am nauseous 24/7. Even when I sleep. The physically getting sick part is something else.
I tried to explain it to someone earlier. It feels like I am a tube of toothpaste and I am being squeezed from the bottom up. The contents come out slowly and with great difficulty. This makes me more nauseous and then I throw up more. I don't know if it is because my digestive tract has slowed down and the muscles by the stomach and oesophagus are also more relaxed now, but it is most unpleasant. Except for about 5 minutes ago, I got sick here at work. This vomit was the real deal.

6.3 Food aversions and cravings: I don't really crave anything. Except for Steers chips and BBQ sauce. I can happily eat the sauce out the little sachet. As for food aversions, my love for Chinese food is fast dwindling because everything for some reason smells like Chinese and this is upsetting me greatly. I also cannot stomach the thought of eating chicken at the moment. The smell of KFC in the air is nasty!


All these symptoms? Wash, Rinse, Repeat.

Morning Sickness

Today I want to talk about morning sickness.


In my last post I had mentioned that I was suffering from a little nausea but otherwise I haven't had much in the way of actual morning, afternoon, evening, all day sickness.


Well now don't I just feel like a liar.


This weekend I found myself aimlessly wondering around the house from bed to fridge to couch to bed to fridge to couch, you get the picture. I absolutely did not know what to do with myself and the unbearable nausea. I couldn't decide if I was ravenous or if my stomach wanted to turn itself inside out. Sunday was the worst and where it normally subsides by 5 or 6pm, the urge to projectile across the country, stayed with me well into the late hours. After breaking land speed records to get to the toilet all I managed was dry heaving... and lots of it. It was not pretty.


The toy poms seem to be very confused with this behaviour and are constantly by my side. The look of concern on Nikki's face is priceless.


I've been trying to summarize my thoughts on the following facts:


*  Nausea
*  The actual act of throwing up
*  Dry heaving


Needless to stay, dry heaving is hot on the tails of nausea and really is pushing for 1st place. The act of throwing up, although not pleasant, beats feeling like you're on a non-stop rollercoaster with a very full yet very empty stomach.


After I lost my first child, I always vowed I would take the bad with the good. Which I am, because, well, I have no option to be quite honest. But living on flat coke and salt and vinegar crisps isn't fun or nutritious. Right now, until I go back to the gynae, I really have no choice. I'm a lot bit paranoid of just taking anything.


Morning sickness is not for sissies. This business is open and its flourishing. I just want to crawl into bed and cry a little whimper and not have to torture myself with everyones food in the office that smells like Chinese. I'm not sure if it's because 2 weeks ago we had Chinese, and now I'm sub-consciously put off, or if because if the chick in hardware sales is eating Chinese flavoured popcorn, or if it's because I am actually craving Chinese.


Although I'd really like a lamb tikka right about now

Un-Ex-Pec-Ted indeed!

You guys, babies are scary. Parenting is scary. I was always the person enviously watching from the side-line while everyone was getting knocked up and raising little families. 2015 marked the year when my Facebook feed was filled to the brim with everyone's kiddies going to Grade 1, there was even someone who sent their daughter to Grade 8!  Seriously, how far can any one person be behind in the baby making business...






Well you guys, not anymore. I don't know how it happened. Well, I do (hehe) but the whole thing is Cuh-ray-zee with a capital C.




For those of you who can remember and if you've been following my other blog long enough, will remember that back in 2013 I had the procedure of cyst removal and a D&C to rid my lady bits of all the gunk and junk that had accumulated over the years. The doctor at the time said to me that my chances of conceiving naturally are slim as I was not ovulating correctly, if at all and that I was definitely need fertility medication to assist. Sad face. But life goes on.




Then back in January 2015, I had the house break-in and was incredibly stressed at the time. This messed up an even already messed up cycle..... As life would have it, I happened to ovulate that month and I ovulated later than what I technically was supposed to and well, as they say, the rest is history.




My little bean is almost 7 weeks old... and when I was at the doctor on the 2nd of March, we were just shy of 6 weeks and measured at less than half a centimetre.



At the risk of sounding ungrateful, impatient, whatever you want to call it, I find myself often wishing the next 5 weeks away so that we are out of the danger zone... Everyone says to stop stressing, but unless you've been in this situation before, it's very very difficult. Your every waking moment is filled with thoughts and ideas, worries and concerns.




Now I do want to say this.... pregnancy in your early to mid 30's is pretty difficult. It takes it's toll for sure. I do not even want to imagine how people in the 40's and these random grandma's that have babies at ridiculous ages do it. 




I also do not have the symptoms that I imagined I would. I don't know what I thought I would feel but this is where I am at currently.




Fatigue:- you guys, tired is tired is tired. no?


NO! the exhaustion that comes with pregnancy is something that you could NEVER EVER EVER EVER describe to someone if they have not been pregnant yet. Just today alone I had a little power nap at my desk. I am literally useless at the moment. After a hard days snoozing at the office, I get home around 6pm and then snooze for another hour, then I get up at 7 because I absolutely have to feed myself and my two poor pooches who cannot for the life of them understand why Mom doesn't do anything with them anymore. If it wasn't for our basic needs I would probably sleep straight through. For the most part, I go back to bed between 8 and 8:30pm. I sleep well for 2 to 3 hours at a time and then wake up from the weirdest dreams.




Momnesia:- Also known as preggy brain.... I have that quite a bit. If I absolutely do not write everything down, I forget.


Sore Boobs:- Wowzer... I get sore boobs for the most part when I'm due to start my cycle every month, but this has nothing on premenstrual boobs.... This alone makes the thought of breastfeeding very very scary for me.
 
Nausea:- I haven't suffered from morning sickness at all, but I do get waves of nausea a different times of the day. Sometimes at 3 in the morning, sometimes between 1 and 5 in the afternoon, Sometimes between 7 and 9 in the morning.


Bleeding gums:- This is a new symptom that started about 2 days ago. Yesterday it was VERY bad. I ended up with severe toothache and really really inflamed gums. I wasn't a very happy camper and was your typical bear with a  sore tooth. I bought myself a new soft toothbrush and changed toothpaste to Sensodyn and noticed a real difference this morning already.


Pregnancy Rhinitis:- Severely! Mainly from about 4am until about lunch time I have terrible cold and flu like symptoms. I'm guessing this is aggravated by my already existing allergies which seem to be slightly out of control since I have had to stop taking my chronic medication for my asthma. It's  amazing how we as human beings actually become so dependant on popping a quick allergex here and there without two thoughts. Now I cant take anything and yet I still survive.


My asthma is also slightly out of control at the moment and I'm not happy about that. Hopefully that can be resolved on the next doctors visit.


Our next visit is on the 27th, another 3 weeks to go.


I have a lot on my mind right now. Sometimes I cant keep up with myself.


I have to move. I need a bigger place. How am I going to find an affordable place?


How am I going to do this without my Mom living nearby?


How am I financially going to be able to provide for this little person?


Do I live where I am now as I have a cousin nearby or do I move closer to work?


I don't know how to answer all these questions, but there is one thing I’m holding on to and that is HE KNOWS.  HE will provide.  HE will make it happen. HE will see me through this.  HE is the giver of all things and through HIM I can do all things!


I absolutely do not know what the Lords plan is for my life right now, but I am holding on to hope, holding on to faith.


I have no idea how I’m going to do it but I do know that He is faithful and He will work it all out. He already has no?  What He’s called us to, He will walk us through…


Thank you for sharing this journey with me! Any tips and advice will ALWAYS be welcome.